You can’t have a relationship without any fights
“You can’t have a relationship without any fights, but you can make the relationship worth the fight.”
I’ve been thinking about this quote specially with relation to all my recent posts about negotiationsThe last one wasn’t about fights but about gentle negotiations. It isn’t always possible to have polite and loving discussions. I think it was this fear of ‘having a fight’ that prevented me from negotiating my wants when I got married at the age of 20. I had never liked it when my parents fought with each other and somewhere in my childhood had taken the decision not to have any fights in my marriage. I couldn’t have made a more stupid resolution. Fights or negotiations are an essential part of a relationship. It’s either that or you do what you want, ignoring the other person’s wants or you do only what the other person wants, ignoring what you want. My ex husband always stated what he wanted loudly and forcefully, before I could say anything. I didn’t want to fight, remember, so I went along with his stated desires. He began to forget that I had any desires, he couldn’t imagine that I wanted anything different from him. Did this make him happy? No. Instead he would judge me for not being like him – for not packing like him, moving through airports at the speed he moved, not wanting to shop as much as he did – so no, he wasn’t happy. Was I happy? Most certainly not. I never did what I wanted unless I was alone. I took to spending more and more time on my own, locked up in my study, writing.
If I had gathered that my parents fights about money were much healthier than my lack of fights about money. My ex husband and I never f ought about money. I didn’t know anything about his business dealings (apart from when he triumphantly told me of his deals) and he didn’t enlighten me. He made it impossible for me to pursue a career and I was financially dependent on him. He treated me like a child and I behaved like one. A few good fights would have fixed that problem. Either we would have had a proper marriage, a partnership, or we would have broken up in those early days.
My point is – don’t be afraid of a good fight. Fights are ways of getting to know each other, of setting your boundaries, of making ground rules. Without all those no relationship can last. Relationships aren’t boats, that drift along with the tide. They’ll get lost at sea if left rudderless and oarless. You have to take hold of the rudder, or the oars and row the boat together with your spouse. And to do that you have to figure out your rhythm together. If only one person is the Captain of the Ship – there’s bound to be a mutiny. Please fight, negotiate and get your needs met.
Posted on May 20, 2014, in communication, Divorce, giving up, Good marriage, I'm still a rock star, love, Negotiation, wife and tagged Boat, divorce, Marriage, Negotiation, relationship. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.