Don’t be so glib when you’re reassuring the bride

A Muslim couple being wed alongside the Tungab...

A Muslim couple being wed alongside the Tungabhadra River at Hampi, India. In the background, a Hindu man is taking his ritual bath. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just read this on Huffington Post Wedding and thought it would be great to share it with my readers. It was reblogged from The Stir and you can read the original post At The Stir, Cafemom written by Mary Fischer
In short the 6 lies are
1. If you’re already lived together – you’re already married.
2. Money worries will disappear
3.He will change
4.Loneliness is a thing of the past
5.Marriage is more fun than being single
6. Your spouse’s every little habit will be endearing.
Living together before getting married is less common in India although some couples in big cities do manage to twist the arms of their parents and other nay sayers and do it. Of course it’s ridiculous to suggest that it’s the same as marriage. If it were, why would people get married? Although it is an excellent option that works well for people who’ve had their fingers burnt by a divorce, or who feel stifled at the thought of marriage. India is far too conventional a society to accept it, so it doesn’t really apply to us.
I think it’s lies like these that actually steer marriages onto the rocks especially if the bride is unsuspecting or particularly dreamy and romantic. I’d like to go to point no 2 – about shared bank accounts and ask who invented them? Money is a huge boulder many marriages trip up on. My suggestion – keep your accounts separate and be very clear about who will spend on what and how much.
Going into a relationship, or a marriage, believing you can overhaul the other says something about you. You’re a control freak. If you want to change the other person then you don’t love them. Acceptance of the other, with all his faults is the first step in building a strong foundation for your marriage.
Marrying because you are afraid of being alone? Not a good idea. Marry because you’re two whole people who complement each other. Not two broken halves trying to make a whole. Loneliness is a fact of life that we need to deal with rather than run away from.
If you think marriage is always fun –  I’d like to point out – that’s a tall order. Neither being single nor being married is always fun or always terrible.
All habits are not charming. The question is, how much are you willing to tolerate, or how well can you negotiate and sometimes, how good are you at ignoring things. The way you react to habits that are irritating is a combination of all these things.
What’s your opinion on these unrealistic reassurances routinely trotted out to brides?


About Kalpana

Trying to change the world one blog post at a time. I write. It's the best thing I can do. I am the Hanged Man, the Fool, the sometime Magician. Whether I travel in my imagination or in real life I write about it and show you pictures either through my photography or through the pictures I paint with my words. I read books and write fiction. During working hours I teach English as an Additional Language. I edit.

Posted on July 1, 2013, in bride, control, Divorce, habits, joint bank accounts, living together and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Given how unequal most Indian marriages are I am beginning to wonder why we women sign up for marriage.
    Here are the terms for a standard Indian marriage.
    1.The wife will live with the husband’s family and agree to make adjustments that only a daughter-in-law is expected to make.
    2.Aforesaid adjustments can range from tolerating physical abuse from husband/in-laws to being expected to change your belief systems/food habits/dressing style/friends/career/behaviour/bedtime and the time you wake up etc etc.

    In return, if she’s lucky, the wife gets affection and support from a husband who agrees to support her in the privacy of their bedroom. Outside it, the husband continues to play the part of the obedient, loving son and the wife pretends that the status quo isn’t as bad as the voice inside her tells her it is.

    • Indian women who sign up for marriage do so either because their families insist on marriage or because in their dreamy eyed hopefulness they believe that they may be exempt from the typical Indian marriage. Mostly they resist it for as long as possible because they know the great potential for a living hell that lies therein.
      It takes a huge amount of searching amongst the riff raff to find a man who thinks enough. A man who sees the problems with our society’s way of looking at marriage and decides to be different. Cheers to the ones who do.

  2. What you say makes perfect sense.
    I totally agree about keep bank accounts separate..
    very well written.
    I hopped over from Write Tribe and I’m glad I did!

    • Hi Pixie,
      Yes the separate bank accounts point deserves further exploration. Therein lies another blogpost. Thank you and welcome.

  3. I’m an old fashioned girl… My mom and sister and other family members were more liberal in their relationships, but I’ve always been a proponent of traditional marriage. I’ve been married to the same dear man for nearly 40 years. We didn’t try out co-habitation before marriage. No, it hasn’t been easy or perfect or even ideal, but we have grown together and become better people for the experience. I’m so grateful for sticking to it and working to resolve imperfections. Great post! Looking forward to reading more of your posts in UBC!

    • Thanks Loretta! And I’m so happy to hear about your marriage of 40 years. It’s stories like yours that make me believe in marriage despite everything I’ve been through.

  4. Kalpana Solsi

    Point no 6. is the most irritating. To ignore the spouse’s habit which you dislike is challenging.

    • hehe – yes. And it helps to remember that we ourselves aren’t free from certain irritating habits that our spouses are tolerating/ignoring/ putting up with.

  5. My life partner have many ups, lots of downs, own a home, 2 pets, share 4 children. And we are not married. And living together is not being married. It’s a symbolic act. But it scares me because all of us have these small (or big) misconceptions about everything just getting better – and that’s not what marriage is. I think I’ll stick with Life Partner for now – maybe when the kids are older we can afford it. Haha.

  6. We have a lot of misconceptions about marriage. I think if we made a greater effort to nurture teens and young adults about marriage, more couples would face the challenges they face in marriage better. We’ve been taught to run from trials instead of learning how to work through them.

  1. Pingback: The trouble with arrange marriages | divorced doodling

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