What are your reasons for marrying?

Marriage Day

The Golden Goose I wrote about yesterday has been on my mind. Her ex-husband married her because she had a good job and was successful. He was clear about his reasons for marrying although I wonder what hers were.

Divorce often happens because we get married for the wrong reasons. The reason you marry someone has to stand the test of time.

I wouldn’t rate Marrying for money as a strong basis for a lifelong bond like marriage. It’s a relationship within which in all likelihood, children will be raised so it’s important to have ethical basis for marrying. A marriage based on one or the other (or both) exploiting each other is doomed. Unfortunately it is one of the top 5 reasons we marry the wrong person as you can see from this blog post. I’ve talked to more than one divorced person who has the same accusation as Neelanjana,  that their spouse’s interest was in their bank balance rather than on them.

Maybe you got married because everybody else was getting married and it seemed like the right thing to do at that time. The next step on the ladder of life. Once the fun of the wedding and the excitement of the honeymoon is over you have to settle down to everyday life, this time with an additional person whose needs, feelings and moods you have to take into consideration. Is it worth giving up your independence because everyone else is doing so?

Occasionally people find themselves in an ordinary relationship rather than an extraordinary one. They’ve just gone along with it and it’s not quite what they want but they settle. If you think you may not find anybody better so you might as well make do with what you have and marry them – you’re quite likely to find yourself in the divorce court. Don’t settle. The right person will come along. And if they don’t, you’re better off never marrying than marrying and divorcing.

Some couples just slide into marriage. They’ve been seeing each other for a long time and it seems like the next logical step to take. They’re the kind of people who do things without thinking them through. If they think, it’s in a disempowered way, about the biological clock ticking and the need to get hitched before it’s too late.

If this is your reason, please read Five reasons not to marry and check in on your reasons for wanting to marry.

Do you feel guilty about having sex outside of marriage? It’s normal to feel like that in a country like India where sexual repression is the order of the day and No sex please, we’re Indian isn’t a joke. Many couples marry to legitimize sex. It isn’t a good enough reason I assure you. Examine your attitudes to sex and decide what’s more important.

Maybe you’re afraid to be alone, which is why you’re in a relationship you’ve simply settled for and you’re now thinking of taking the next ill considered step. It’s better to look it in the face – that fear of being alone – and to be alone for a while. After all, if you can’t live with yourself, how do you expect somebody else to?

Marrying to escape your biological family – isn’t so unusual. The boy/girl next door, or college sweetheart may seem like the perfect escape route if you’re unloved by your family.  Marriage isn’t an escape. If you run away from the problem, you could end up running away from your marriage.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get married. It simply means that we must weigh everything carefully before rushing in where angels fear to tread. Go ahead and read  10 questions to ponder before saying ‘yes.  The author asks you to check whether a potential spouse is emotionally healthy  – if there is   abuse, anger or addiction, don’t even think about it. One is often is tempted to ‘fix’ the other person and marry them anyway thinking he/ she can change. What a terrible way to go into a life-long commitment. With the desire to manipulate, cajole, browbeat or bully the other person into the mould you have for them. Please don’t do it. Check whether you’re marrying a person or a dream. Do you see your partner-to-be as they really are or are you simply so enamoured of the idea of marriage and the romance of a wedding that all you need is a groom or a bride?

The great fairytale of ‘happily ever after’ and the lavish weddings with beautiful smiling people lull us into believing that marriage will make everything fine.  f it isn’t fine to begin with, I assure you that neither a long white dress nor a gold encrusted lehenga retains it’s pleasure-giving potential once you get back to the humdrum of everyday life if you didn’t like each other to begin with.

There’s wonderful advice at How not to marry the wrong guy. Amongst other things the authors ask you whether your partner-to-be supports your dreams and  ambitions.

If you are wondering whether to marry – have a look at The Book – How not to marry the wrong guy .  It has some useful tips and is coauthored  by Anne Milford who canceled her wedding exactly five months before the big day and  Jennifer Gauvain – a licensed clinical social worker whose primary focus is working with couples and families.

Why did you get married? I’d love to hear the reasons.

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About Kalpanaa

Trying to change the world one blog post at a time. I write. It's the best thing I can do. I am the Hanged Man, the Fool, the sometime Magician. Whether I travel in my imagination or in real life I always enjoy myself. I read books, I review. I eat, I review. I watch plays, I review. I have an opinion on everything. At other times I heal people through yoga and/or foot reflexology.

Posted on June 10, 2013, in abuse, bad marriage, Courts, dating, Divorce, integrity and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. AnElephantCant get married again
    He tried it once and didn’t like it
    But he is thinking of
    Falling in love
    Which makes him really excited

  2. Marring is an event where the cold front and the hot front mingle into oneness.Now it depends what you are throwing up. Is it a mist that happens to be rolling onto the bay and you are in that make belief world that you have always hoped and worked for or are you caught up in the highway and you desperately need to get somewhere that you yourself don’t know. .All this is here say.If Nerissa could get away marrying a Christian .And on the other hand Romeo and Juliet dies like a moth to the flames.. Bharats amnesia conveniently makes him forgets his Shakuntala and only the ring brings back his memory that he was her paramour,are just a few Plots of the crooked road that life takes its toll on each and every one.. In the first case you make it happen . in the second case there was never a chance ln the relationship . the dice was loaded so to speak.,and finally if your intentions were true ,then there is no reason for not having a happy reunion or even a rehash of an unpleasant encounter.Honestly speaking , till death do us part is quite sufficient a time.to ponder on the quintessence of Marriage.

    • Thanks kid for your long and well-thought out response. Love the three stories of married lovers that you’ve used to illustrate your point. I may borrow that train of thought for another blogpost. Don’t know about Nerissa though. Can you tell me more.

  3. Lovely post kalpana, I married for love much against the will of family, extended family and the so called society. But I hear ya, I have seen people marrying for financial security, to please their parents..I totally agree with you, when you marry for wrong reasons, life and marriage just get a little more harder. Looks like I am falling in love with your blog.

    • Awww! Thanks for saying you’re falling in love with my blog. And a big thank you for sharing your reasons for marrying.
      I think, as a divorced person I have so much more clarity in hindsight. Once you’ve made a mistake you give a lot of thought to what could have gone wrong.

  4. If one seriously start searching for reasons, it could be little too late 🙂

    • It’s more for people who are planning to marry. For those already married, if they married for one of the reasons given above, they just need to work harder at injecting more sincerity into their marriages

  1. Pingback: Don’t be so glib when you’re reassuring the bride | divorced doodling

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