Life goes on After Divorce, believe it or not!
I read a book review on The Huffington Post on Moving On After Divorce. The book is by Erica Manfred and is called He’s history, you’re not: Surviving Divorce After Forty – based on her own true life experience of being dumped at the age of 50 for a younger woman.
The article, Moving On after Divorce talk about your emotional reaction to your the divorce – and however unbelievable it may seem in that first roller coaster year after the split, you do move on, you do reclaim your life, things get better and suddenly one day you find it’s all behind you. At least until the next time your ‘ex’ does something to trigger those emotions he (or she) are so expert at igniting. Boooooom! You explode again! But the bombs get smaller and smaller and from atomic devastation you downgrade to chocolate bomb intensity. A short sharp burst – “all sound and fury, signifying nothing”.
Exes will always have that ability to impact you. You WILL feel the gun powder stirring in your belly at some of the preposterous statements they come up with, but, equally surprising, is the realisation that it’s just a mini-irritation. You’ve moved on. You’ve healed. And remember, ‘healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”
My ex was assisting me with the Bank – trying to get my dead father’s money out of it’s grasping claws and to my siblings and children. Well, it’s India – and no Bank takes a woman seriously unless she has male support. Strangely we in India consider ourselves better than Saudi Arabia – Saudi Arabia STATES that women need always to be accompanied by a male relative. In India – it’s understood. And if women like me call their bluff about their lip service to women’s freedom and actually ‘do’ all the things our ‘democracy’ says we may, there are many men waiting to put us in our place. Whatever that may be. Barefoot and pregnant I suppose. But this is an issue for another blog post.
So, I recognised that India is the equivalent of Saudi Arabia and asked my ex for help since I don’t yet have a new man to replace the old – being one of a heterosexual couple is an essential part of being an adult woman in India! Despite this pressure – I’m single, or rather ” I’m not single! I’m in a long-standing relationship with fun and freedom.” Open to misinterpretation, various (stupid) guys have read that to mean – I’m into casual sex. I don’t want a relationship. I’m irresponsible. I ran away from my marriage. I laugh so hard I have to catch my breath and I wait to see whether anyone will actually understand what I mean. In the meantime, I’m happy. That, was another digression.
My ex was assisting and phoned me after sending a man from his office to the bank, to give me an update, in ‘that’ tone of voice. That bossy, disrespectful, you-mere-woman, impatient-but-trying-so-hard-to-be-patient voice. I replied in my impatient-but-trying-so-hard-to-be-patient voice – which he instantly recognised. Sigh! Exes know each other so well. Or, should I say, they know the you that left the marriage – the messed up, frazzled, under-confident you and they can’t see the new you. They never could see the progress, because they were always focussed on the failings. And so he reacts, before the words have even wafted on the air and out of your voice box – without thinking, or holding back, down well oiled circuits of conflagration.
You can respond as before, or you can grab the burning wick of that bomb
and pull it out of harm’s way to prevent that explosion – even if it’s only chocolate bomb size. And that is inevitably what you do. Because now that you’re divorced, things don’t matter that much anymore and winning an argument is no longer an issue of life or death.
That’s why it’s easier to be friends with your ex once he becomes your ex.