With your ‘ex’ again?

Are you at that stage in your divorce where, having moved out, your ‘ex’ is casting around to have you back? And has this behaviour, so strangely (very strange indeed) started just when you met someone interesting?

Madhuri Banerjee 0f ‘Losing my Virginity and other dumb ideas’ fame has written a blog post about 5 Women every man wants but never should have.

The last is The EX

The partner who was with you and now no longer is.

We’ve seen this phenomenon of tantalizing and being tantalized by an ex partner played out in our own lives or in those of our friends. The Ex who no longer finds us attractive but the minute we are with another, comes sniffing around throwing coy and flirtatious glances, reminding us of times gone bye, tugging at our heart strings. Depending on how gullible we are or just how much we want to believe what he or she is saying, we buy into this a little, a lot, or not at all.

Nor does this happen only with the very young people but in serious relationships such as marriages. Serious relationships undergoing serious break ups. I have at least two friends, who are still in the process of getting their divorces who, till recently, played this game with their spouses.



1. Out of sheer fear at becoming a statistic in the numbers getting divorces they kidded themselves into believing that their partner actually wanted them back. The very thought of divorce is terrifying and they will do anything not to be part of that tainted band of human beings.

2. The belief that remaining married is more important than being honest with yourself and your spouse. Honesty isn’t considered as important as appearances.

3. The belief that remaining married is more important than being truly happy and fulfilled. Since when has self-fulfillment and the pursuit of your own happiness been an acceptable way of life in India? Sacrifice is the name of the game and has always been highly valued.

4. The belief that ‘its best for the children’ if the marriages is stuck together with the fevicol of emotional blackmail between spouses. The belief that the children don’t need a real relationship as a role model because you can fool them with your acting out of a good relationship like you’ve fooled yourself.


The spouses take the decision to separate. They live separately, one of them setting up a new home. They share out some of their belongings or have to invest in a second set of sofas, teapots, mugs, pressure cookers, pillows, weighing scales. And then, because one of them finds another partner, and the other wants to play possessive games, they revoke their earlier decision, and decided to give it another try. His or her decision is not based on a genuine desire to make it work, but more a dog in the manger attitude of depriving someone of what you yourself can’t have.

Very soon the process starts again. Back to separate apartments and hunting for your spare colander and gardening shears that you thought you would never need again.


Is this what you really want?


About Kalpana

Trying to change the world one blog post at a time. I write. It's the best thing I can do. I am the Hanged Man, the Fool, the sometime Magician. Whether I travel in my imagination or in real life I write about it and show you pictures either through my photography or through the pictures I paint with my words. I read books and write fiction. During working hours I teach English as an Additional Language. I edit.

Posted on June 24, 2011, in Breaking Up, Divorce, for the sake of the children and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. You always write very intelligent posts. Very insightful. Loved reading it.

  2. Thanks Wild Child! Being insightful about one’s own behaviour is never easy.

  3. “His or her decision is not based on a genuine desire to make it work, but more a dog in the manger attitude of depriving someone of what you yourself can’t have.”
    So true. I’ve done that too, in an earlier relationship. And it’s only now that I see that behavior for what it really is.

    Great post, as usual!

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