Sometimes letting go makes us strong

Yesterday’s blog post – ‘better to be hated for what you are’ occasioned some comments and plenty of telephonic discussion.

Friends and I talked about the difficulties of divorce, particularly in India, where even in Urban India its still a no no – something that is entirely unacceptable and beyond the pale, something that turns you into a social pariah. One particular person shared how, although he has been 7 years in the process of getting a divorce, his parents who, thankfully, live in a smaller town, still hide the fact of his single-again status from friends and family. You can imagine the kind of pressure this puts on a person, when his tough decision to part company with his wife and the mother of his children is not acknowledged by his own parents.

This is the kind of hell evoked by the social pressure to remain married that divorced people encounter regularly.

Knowing this, we divorced people are particularly loathe to encourage anyone to take this drastic step, contrary to what most people think about us. We don’t wish to swell the ranks; we don’t want more and more people to get a divorce. On the contrary.

Should people share their marriage woes with me, I make a point to listen with great respect and with my full attention. That’s what a suffering person needs. Sometimes that’s all that they need.

You can go ahead with a divorce only if you sure without a doubt and as strong as a rock. If this is the case, the strength of your conviction will see you through the dark days ahead. Because dark days there will be. However much you want your freedom. You are going to feel awful for a while. But its still worth it, if that’s what you want. As Hermann Hesse said, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”

So, if you want to let go, do it and have the strength to face up to what comes your way.  And many things will come your way. Be ready for that. And the greatest obstacles may come from within you as you mourn the end of your marriage. But as you do so, and till you get over your anger (and you will, one day you will wake up and find it gone) as you mourn remember –  “There’s no need to miss someone from your past – there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future”. Think about it.

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About Kalpanaa

Trying to change the world one blog post at a time. I write. It's the best thing I can do. I am the Hanged Man, the Fool, the sometime Magician. Whether I travel in my imagination or in real life I always enjoy myself. I read books, I review. I eat, I review. I watch plays, I review. I have an opinion on everything. At other times I heal people through yoga and/or foot reflexology.

Posted on March 23, 2011, in Divorce and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. As a society, we love to create stigmas, and then empower them. Children can abandon parents, brothers can kill each other, honour killings are defended as if they have been ordered directly by the gods, but do not, never ever, talk about divorce. Anger wells up whenever I hear people speak about divorce and divorcees in a disparaging, degrading manner. She’s a divorcee is often said with glee, implying that she is available; he’s a divorcee implies a skirt-chaser. Stereotypes, highly untrue.

    Another stigma is: mental illness. India, arguably, has the highest incidence of mentally ill patients. It doesn’t mean that all of them are stark raving MAD. In everyday conversations, they are referred to as PAGAL, and anyone going to a shrink is labelled so. Years ago, I spoke with one who had diagnosed me as suffering from stress-induced depression, and he had said – my friend, its like common cold or stomach ache, like any other regular illness. Not treated, it will grow into something dangerous, even destructive.

    Its time to fight these stigmas. If you agree that people will disagree so much that they can disengage, sometimes for life, then why not allow a man and a woman the liberty to do so?

    • Mysticspirit

      @Raj – well said! Stigmas and labels are just a way of dehumanising people. Yes, anyone needing medication for stress related symptoms has to deal with the additional stress of keeping it secret. And its certainly wiser to do so, in most cases.

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